This part in the year marks an end, or an almost end. Graduations, end of semesters, last day of classes, we all experience at least one of these. This year and this month of May marks the end of my fourth semester in college.
In one of my all time favorite books “Fangirl” by Rainbow Rowell, one of the characters talks about how college semesters are kind of like dog years. Each one is only a brief amount of time and yet it feels like a year has passed because so much happens. And it’s true. Instead of saying in conversations “oh last year,” I find myself saying “remember, last semester?” So much happens in such a small time that at the end, you feel like a new person.
Looking back especially to the beginning of college, it’s like looking at a completely different person. The people I spent my time with, who I was in love with, my goals for life, even down to my own happiness; it’s all different. But difference isn’t a bad thing.
I look back at myself and see a young girl with innocent hope for the future. Not really confident in who she was, but was desperate for love and attention. A young girl who just wanted the stereotypical college experience.
And here I am now. If I was asked to describe myself in a complete 100% way, this is what I’d say…
I’m weak, I’ll be the first to admit it. The last four semesters and the time in between have really taken a tole on me; physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’m not innocent anymore. I know things I wish I didn’t, I’ve learned things in the worst way. I pick the people in my circles more carefully than I ever have in my life. I’ve been burnt too many times now and I’m trying to prevent it from happening again. I’ve lost a part of myself. The part that has empty hope and wishful thoughts. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing though. I hope that what’s replaced that is realism, with a touch of a feeling I don’t know how to describe. I think it’s an unspoken acceptance of whatever comes.
If I would say that I did something wrong in the past, it’s not believing that bad things happen in the future. I would paint this perfect future and then end up completely shattered when it didn’t happen. Now I look to the future for something good, but also excepting that bad things happen. It’s a part of life.
So goodbye to my fourth semester. Take care of everything for me.