To be honest, I’ve written at least five drafts of “eight”. There is so much to say and I guess I have no idea where to start. I’m at this surreal place in my life, where after the storm, after all the nightmares and bad days, I’m actually in a good place. And it’s so wonderful that I’m at a loss of words.
When you’re sick or something is going wrong in your life, most people will talk about “the light at the end of the tunnel”. But the thing is, depression is essentially the big semi truck that blocks that light and makes it impossible to see. Anxiety is the knowledge that it should be there, but somehow isn’t.
Recently a youtuber who I watched back in high school, posted a video after years of silence. It was about her struggle with depression and how it has affected her life in the past years. So much I could relate to, how depression closes out your heart and head to your true feelings and makes you this person who you really aren’t. But I think the point that hit most to home, was how she talked about how negative the world is. Now she is aiming for a more positive life.
Examining my personal life, I know I’m working towards a better life. It won’t be perfect, but maybe I will at least be happy. Looking back, I was at a place where there was no beginning or end. Just this paradox where nothing moved and it was horrible. I don’t want to live my life like that. I don’t want to be hoping for an impossible future or dwell on the mistakes of the past. Just think about how things can work for me today.
There is an awful lot that we can’t control. How does depression or anxiety even begin? How does it end? But maybe if we stop focusing so much on the “perfect” future or the horrible past, maybe that will help us take one step at a time. This year has already been difficult for me. I can honestly say I have tried and tried, I have given my best and nothing has shown for my actions yet. But in spite of this, I am determined to believe that something good is coming. I just have to be patient and work on making today a good day.